The Point of Friction

Dear God,

Lately I've become increasingly attracted to the simple life. I generally dislike extravagance (which, on an entirely different note that I may write about at some point, I think limits my creativity and curiosity) to the point where I don't really even joke about it. When talking to a friend about a 1.7 million dollar jetboat made almost entirely of carbon fiber with an 8000 Watt speaker system with, WiFi connectivity, a custom trailer, and twin 1,350 horsepower engines that could go 180 mph on the water, he commented that if he had enough money he would buy it. I'm not quite sure if it was in jest or not, but I reacted as if it wasn't. I could never justify spending so much money on something so frivolous and made purely for entertainment.

I've viewed money differently throughout the years, mainly weighing my expenditures against purchases of something very important or enjoyable in my life at the time. For example, in high school I played an online game called Runescape that cost 5 dollars a month. Whenever I bought something or saw other people purchasing things, I would say something like, "I could have bought 3 months of Runescape membership with that…" Now I think very differently. When someone makes a purchase, a big one at least, I always ask myself "How much food and clothing could the amount of money they just spent on that new kitchen have bought for homeless people in Portland?" or "How many schools or orphanages could have been funded by the money they just spent on that Porsche?" We are stewards of the gifts God has given us, including all the money that we have. I talk more about my idea of stewardship in this post if you're curious.

I've been challenged recently in the topic of giving. A thought that goes through my head often is "a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice unless it's a sacrifice." I've been giving money out of what I earn each month to my local church and have been for some time, but it's never been difficult or painful or sacrificial giving. I always simply give it and don't think about it. I fear it is becoming a source of pride in me. "I'm giving like a good Christian is supposed to give and that's good enough. I'm giving even though other people aren't." I do not want to fall into the trap of complacency and self-righteous pride. Israel does that a lot in the bible and it never goes well for them (just read Numbers). I've been challenged to give more and trust God to work out the rest. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, the simple life. Food. Clothing. Appearance. Health. Housing. Entertainment. Transportation. All of it. I want to do it all simply. Without distraction. My career will not be a simple one. I will be engaging daily with challenging and complex ideas, problems, solutions, and documentation. I want the rest of my life to be simple. I want to live well below my means in an adequate house with functional transportation, healthy wholesome food, simple clothing, edifying entertainment. I want to give of my money and time and talents. There is a lot of need in this world and I want to meet it. I want to protect and provide, both for my own family and for those in this world who are in need. And I think God is going to enable me to do that. And I think I can be more effective in doing that by living a simple life.

There is a fine line between simplicity and something like reclusiveness, and I do not want to cross that line into reclusiveness by any means. I still want to be in community with others and I do not want the simplicity of my life to be a hindrance to myself, my family, my friends, or my church. We are called to be in the world but not of the world. We can't do that if we aren't actively engaged in the world. We can't be actively engaged in the world if we aren't in community with others. I'll probably talk about that more in another post some other time.

Basically, I see something profoundly beautiful about simplicity. I want to capture it.

I am angry.

The entirety of existence is a paradox.

Maybe eternity exists to explain what was going on in the short time we have here on earth.

This is the expression for God's glory:

Where s is the number of sins we have committed, d is the number of days we've volunteered our time and gone to church, σ is whether or not we have been saved, θ is the state of our spiritual walk, t is the amount of love we have shown others, and $ is the amount of money we have given to the church.

For the non math- and science-oriented people among you, the thing about this equation is that no matter what any of the variables listed are, the result will always be infinity. If you divide infinity by any number it will still be infinity.

Basically this equation says that nothing we could ever do can add to or detract from God's glory. If I murdered every person I saw until the police caught me, God would still be just as glorious as He was an hour ago. If I sold all my stuff, quit college, gave all my money away, and lived in a monastery for the rest of my life, God would be no more glorified that he would have been otherwise. BECAUSE HE IS PERFECT. So essentially nothing I do matters.

That's where I would end up if I thought about it too much, and although I believe in the basics and essentials of the theology from which that conclusion is birthed, I refuse to delve deep into it because I know where it would lead.

A wise man once told me to embrace the mystery or I would destroy myself trying to figure it out. But I see the mystery and am completely overwhelmed by it. It seems that the solution is almost within my grasp. It seems that with just a little more manipulation and deep thought it would all come together and make sense. But I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen.

The same wise man told me something else that has been incredibly helpful as of late:

Thinking is good, but overthinking is not. Once you have steeped yourself in thinking about something good, you need to stop thinking and start doing.

I’ve felt their lives slip through my fingers, now I watch them circle the drain

with breath like the torrent they sink to the bottom

I’ve wasted so many chances, my efforts not a drop in the barrel

with a body like a boulder I sink to the bottom

(Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?)

I’ve shown my teeth (Where is your mercy?) and have had them kicked in one too many times (Where is your mercy now?)

In my yearning (where is your mercy?) He split the rock, and the water gushed forth

A voice keeps yelling, a voice keeps yelling

”This is where your proud waves end!”

My fingers trace lines, on the surface i’m consumed.

The sinking feeling, the sinking feeling

"This is where your proud waves end!”

I take my first step, and i’m thrown over the edge

I tried to walk on the water but now I just swim

they slip through my fingers, now I watch them circle the drain

with breath like the torrent they sink to the bottom

I’ve wasted so many chances, my efforts not a drop in the barrel

with a body like a boulder I sink to the bottom

Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?

Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy?)

(Where is your mercy now? Where? Are you outside of your wrath?)

I SCREAM YOUR NAME! YOUR NAME! YOUR NAME!

Are You outside of Your wrath?

OH GOD!

Your name

and amongst the pile of dead

I see a light split the water from the heavens

I feel God glowing inside me

My heart shakes with the music of the spheres

I no longer tremble in fear

For Redemption has found me

And in Redemption comes the overflow of peace

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

-Eleanor Roosevelt