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Wonder and Beauty
Posted: Saturday, November 13, 2010 by Morgan inMy life is pretty much planned out and I think I'm getting complacent. I don't rely on God for everything. I'm thankful for the great things He has put in my life and I am blessed beyond measure, but things aren't really hard. Here's the plan: I'm going to finish college, get a good job, get married, have a family, make lots of money and give it away. I'm in the "finish college" stage right now and just can't wait to be done with it. I long for the future. There is this something that I'm looking forward to, but I can't really put my finger on what it is. I've been told that longing is for heaven, but that answer doesn't satisfy me and the fact that it doesn't satisfy me bothers me.
I've been learning about and struggling with my relationship with God. No matter what specific problem I'm working through, the basic issue is the role of faith and works in sanctification. I know that I have been saved solely by God's grace through faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement through his death and resurrection. I know that I have not been saved because of anything I've done in my own strength. But I also know I'm supposed to display the fruit of the spirit and that I am to become more and more like Christ. I know I'm supposed to do that in God's strength, but I don't know how. The only way I know to do what is expected of me is to do it myself. I don't know how to trust in God anymore. The most frustrating thing is that I did it all last summer, so I should be able to keep on doing it. John Wesley struggled with this issue his entire life. I'm struggling with it right now and I want some kind of conclusion.
Basically I'm not content. I wish for the future, but I'm living in the present. And the present is missing something.
And I think that something is wonder and beauty.
As an engineering student, nothing is wondrous to me. Nothing. I'm being taught how everything fits into a system, everything is explained to me, everything makes sense (eventually). The only thing that even comes close to wonder is an equation that makes an engineering problem easier. And beauty is....not really something we think about very much. The closest we come to beauty is adding the "aesthetically pleasing" category into a design project. There is almost nothing that brings these two things in my life.
The answer that presented itself almost immediately was to find a girlfriend. Since that solution came from my mom and my best friend simultaneously, I'm having a hard time figuring out whether it is a serious solution or not. Apparently girls are wondrous and beautiful, and since I need both of those things, a girl is the perfect solution. That's the logic at least. But if you look at it in the way I just described, it's a super selfish solution. A relationship based on my needs is based on the wrong thing and is not going to work. And I don't have time for one. Let's find a different solution.
Somehow the answer is God, but I can't figure out how. I don't really see beauty or wonder in God. I just don't. Sorry. I know He is, but I can't see it. I'm sick of knowing things without those things having any real meaning, but I don't know how to make them meaningful. I can't. I just have to trust in God, which I've established that I don't know how to do.
It's a great place to be.
"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14
I hope that as God continues to reveal to you the "systems" of things, you can find wonder in them. God is a god of order and the complexity of His systems are amazing. Most of us don't understand the intricacies of many systems, but you have been granted the understanding of some. One system most of us can relate to is the birth of a child. We can explain most every detail from conception to birth; however, it is still an amazing miracle, a gift from God working within a system. There is beauty in the systems with which you interact. May your knowledge of the facts not deter you from the ability to see the wonder & beauty in them.
Girlfriend?! My exact words were that you needed a "girl" in your life! You need some variety from the utter male-ness of your present world. You should not pursue an intimate relationship with a girl until you desire to provide for and protect someone; otherwise (as you so wisely stated) you would be selfish. It would be a wondrous and beautiful thing for you to have a reason to practice your table manners, avoid burping, and be caught off guard by a different point of view that instills wonder in your mind! Girls would be a beautiful addition to your every day life.
You are correct that the answer is in God. You can't make Him meaningful. Finite efforts to make the infinite great will amount to nothing. I believe our Lord is trying to teach you to rest in Him, get to know Him, and to stop striving to make life meaningful. You desire passion and my prayer is that He will grant that to you; however, it has always been my desire that your faith would be based on your understanding that you are utterly insignificant in the scheme of life but that the King of kings calls you "son". I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that beautiful and wondrous truth.