Narrow

Posted: Friday, November 4, 2011 by Morgan in
1

I didn't expect to write a single word of this post. It didn't come out the way I planned, and what I wrote really surprised me. It's by no means complete or even very well thought out, but it gave me a glimpse of what's really been bothering me.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I would like to expand this quote to all people. People are narrow. They are self-focused, especially when in pain. They can't see anything besides their pain. Pain brings out the worst in us so we can see how good we really are at our core. It's easy to put on our best face when things are going well. But when the shit hits the fan, the inner person comes out. I almost never like what I see in myself when this happens. This time is no exception.

I would like to apply this quote to myself. I am narrow. I am self-focused, especially when in pain. I can't see anyone else's pain and I can't even see the good things in my life. Engineering is impossible. My motivation is rock-bottom. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even what I know about the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't give me peace or determination. School is hard, real life is harder, so what's the point? Life is hard, then you die. Sweet. The only thing I've ever actually had any sort of motivating desire to do with my life was to graduate as an engineer, get married, make money and give it away. I don't even want to do that anymore. It's not going to make life better. I used to look forward most of all to the point in my life where I would get married and start a family. That was my number one desire for a long time, but now it seems pointless, selfish, stupid, and unhelpful.

People tell me that all God wants is my joy. I want to believe that and I've tried to believe it, but I just can't. Each time I try, I come right up to the point where the entirety of existence is about me. I'm going to be honest when I say I want that. People are narrow, remember? And then I get to the point where I realize that I don't want to worship a God who wants that for me. If God did all of this for me, what is He doing for Himself? Sure it "gives Him glory" and everything, but that honestly doesn't mean a thing to me. What the hell is glory anyway? It's not something you can keep or spend or use for anything. It's completely unquantifiable and ethereal and vain and pointless. I don't want to worship a God who is constantly chasing after something so incomprehensible and useless. He's God, so He can get it all, why doesn't He just get it? He does what He wants, so why doesn't He do what He wants? What can we possibly do to give Him more glory than He already has? And what's the point of that?

AND HOW DOES THIS WORK WITH HIM WANTING MY JOY?

WHAT THE HELL, JOHN PIPER?

I don't get this stuff. I thought I used to, but basic questions and irreconcilable contradictions are completely shutting me down. I don't want to worship a God who cares about me and I don't want to worship a God who cares about Himself either.

I wish I could offer some hope or a bible verse or something like I usually do, but it would be fake and I refuse to be fake.

Basically, I make some pretty terrible tea.

1 comments:

  1. Anonymous says:
    November 4, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    Thanks for sharing your heart. You are obviously in a hard place. Even though you might not find comfort in the truth that people are praying for you, you need to know that they are...regularly.