Puzzle

Posted: Friday, March 30, 2012 by Morgan in
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I can study and talk about and learn about theology and God and life, but until God himself actually teaches me things about Himself, like He did this last Christmas about love, I will never actually be able to internalize and truly believe new things about God. I will forever be striving and failing to gain understanding of Him in my own strength.

That doesn't release me from the responsibility of pursuing Him with all my heart.

The things I've learned about Him have come out of the things I already knew about Him. My pursuit and study doesn't in and of itself allow me to know and internalize and believe new things, but it gives God material to work with and to make and mold my heart into the kind of heart He wants. I've realized that it's not going to happen in my timing because I can't change myself or my heart or my desires, but I can prepare for them to be changed by God. This realization itself is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This is the piece of the puzzle I've been searching for. God has, in His perfect timing, revealed to me the way He has changed and will continue to change my heart.

Marriage

Posted: Saturday, March 24, 2012 by Morgan in
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I was driving home from getting new tires on the van today when I saw a battered teal Hyundai Elantra with the words "Just Married" painted on the rear windshield in white window paint with a smiley-face underneath.


A few (possibly misguided) assumptions went through my head in that moment:

1. They probably forgot to erase the words off of their car after the wedding (who would go to Portland for a honeymoon?).
2. They don't value marriage all that much because if they did they would have done something a little more special to let people know their excitement at the occasion.
3. They were probably enjoying the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage (i.e. living together, having sex).

Although some of these were probably wrong assumptions about the couple in the car, it got me thinking very carefully about marriage. My wedding will be a momentous occasion for me. It will be a new and beautiful step in my life. I will cherish my wife and the beautiful relationship and faithful commitment and wonderful blessings that day signifies for the rest of my life.

I'm not married yet, but I would like to be. It's the next major thing that will happen in my life since I'm almost done with college. I've seen some good marriages: my parents (congratulations on 27 years of faithful commitment in April!) and some of their friends, for example. And I've seen some bad marriages that have caused much brokenness in the lives of my family and friends.

Marriage is wonderful. It is one of the few things in this world that has lasted since before The Fall. Marriage is sacred. It is an expression of God's relationship with Man. The perversion of marriage is a slap in the face to God because, like any other sin, it is a perversion of the gifts He has given us. Marriage is not easy. It is the union of two imperfect people seeking after a common perfect goal (ideally, in Christ). Marriage is serious. It has drastic effects on everyone involved. Marriage is communal. It is the utmost folly to assume that marriage affects or is limited to the bride and groom. Marriage is rewarding. The physical and emotional companionship that accompanies the commitment is an incredible blessing from God.

But when I think about the American trend of taking all the blessings of marriage without thought of commitment or what the relationship represents, it makes me cringe. I have no illusions that marriage will be perfect or easy, in fact I know it will probably be the most difficult thing I ever do, but I am looking forward to the struggle. I am waiting in anticipation to work through small and large conflicts with my wife and become more like Christ with her as we overcome obstacles and challenges. I am also looking forward to the companionship that marriage will bring. I can't wait to have someone who I will commit love unconditionally and who has committed love me in return. I can't wait to come home after a long day's work to the loving embrace of my wife. I can't wait to go places with her and have adventures with her and work and serve alongside her and to just be with her. I can't wait to work hard to provide for her well-being. I can't wait to lead her with love, strength, tenderness, wisdom, and understanding towards Christ.

Marriage is serious business. It's a serious commitment and a serious representation of something much greater than the union of two people, as marvelous as that is. I want to be prepared for it, but I know I won't ever be completely ready.

God, please help me and guide me as I move into this new season of life.

Bitter

Posted: Wednesday, March 14, 2012 by Morgan in
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I am overflowing with fury. Like fire coursing through my veins. A vicious cycle consuming all that was good in me, stealing it away and giving life only to itself. A fury that seeks an outlet, but that knows it will simply smolder forever, torturing my soul until it is freed from my body.

I am filled with bitterness so deep and galling that I fear nothing short of death will purge me of it. Bitterness that suffocates all and colors everything black. Bitterness that cuts into the core of my being and poisons the pitiful scraps of joy and peace that still cling. Bitterness that takes hope and turns it into despair. 

Oh God. 

What am I becoming? Where is your peace? Your joy? Your hope? Has it all gone away? What have I done? I can't stand up to your perfection. You know that, yet you still require it of me. Why have you given me a taste of glory only to hand me over to this rage and hate? I can't stop it. I can't change. I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried and tried. And yet I know that all my trying is in vain. Nothing. While my lungs still let me breathe, I won't give up, but I know I will lose and fail every with every single breath. As long as my lungs still let me breathe, every breath will be without hope. 

Where are you oh God? 

Where is your mercy now? 

Where?