The Point of Friction

Here's how my thought process went. It was almost exactly like one part of myself talking with another part of myself.

Morgan: "Self, I want to bleed excellence."

Self: "What?"

Morgan: "You know, I want everything about me to be the very best it can."

Self: "...how do you mean?"

Morgan: "I'm so sick of being mediocre and apathetic. I want to go above and beyond in everything I pursue. I want to be the best."

Self: "Okay but..."

Morgan: "I want people to see me and say, 'Now there goes an excellent man.' I want excellence to define who I am. I want to be so excellent that it explodes out of me and wraps itself around everyone I come in contact with and infects them with its awesomeness!"

Self: "Are you sure you want that?"

Morgan: "Absolutely."

Self: "Alright, but it seems a bit... you know, prideful in a way."

Morgan: "Come on, aren't we called to be set apart? Technically we're called to perfection as Christians. I don't see the problem with getting as close to that as I can."

Self: "Ok, but you've gone down this sort of route before with resisting sin and temptation and your soul pretty much shriveled up and died for a while. You didn't like that very much."

Morgan: "Yeah but this is different. I'm not trying to resist sin by beating my physical desires into submission. It's not evasion this time, it's pursuit. That's biblical."

Self: "God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God."

Morgan: "Don't bring the bible into this. I just want to be better. What's wrong with that?"

Self: "You're in grave danger of cultivating a pharisaic heart."

Morgan: "Seriously? What's wrong with you?"

Self: "Excellence isn't being better than other people. No matter what you say about biblical imperatives (you really need to stopt using that phrase by the way) concerning being a good witness, you really just want other people to see you as this awesome guy who has everything under control. Who is a good leader and responsible and smart and humble and caring and loyal and sacrificial.

You can't fool me.

I am you.

You aren't any of those things, Morgan. Your heart is so proud. All of those things I listed are the opposite of what you really are. You just cover over your passivity and laziness and irresponsibility and stupidity and pride and lack of compassion and treason and entitlement by temporarily killing those things in yourself. You're a reactionary. Who you try to make yourself takes an incredible amount of focus and mental effort and self control. There are too many forces fighting against each other in your head and your heart. You're going to absolutely lose control sooner or later and then you'll be all the things that you hate. You can't do keep this up.

Morgan: "Will you please shut up."

Self: "Nope. You need to hear this. You can't keep this up on your own."

Morgan: "I've done it this long, what makes you think I'm not strong enough to live my entire life with restraint and excellence?"

Self:

"You can't fool me.

I am you.

We've been over this."

Morgan: "I'm just so sick of seeing all the things I hate about myself in other people and I just want to be different. I want to be better. I want to be excellent."

Self: "There you go with the excellence thing again. And the pride thing. You have got to change your focus or else you're going to crash. Hard. You felt yourself slipping last month. Do you want to completely lose it?"

Morgan: "No, so I have to work harder!"

Self: "You can't."

Morgan: "Yes I can! You have no idea what I'm capable of! I can be excellent! I can be all the things I want to be! Those things are good, don't tell me I shouldn't strive for that!"

Self:

"You can't fool me.

I am you."

Morgan: "STOP F@CKING SAYING THAT!"

Self: "I do what I want."

Morgan: "THAT'S MY LINE!"

Self: "Ok this is getting ridiculous. If it's your line it's my line."

Morgan: "..."

Self: "Because we're the same... Oh never mind. You're hopeless. You're arguing with yourself, you realize that's weird right?"

Morgan: "It wouldn't be so weird if you weren't so infuriating... Never mind, you were saying something."

Self: "Right. I'm not saying your pursuit of excellence is necessarily wrong, it's just that you're going about it the wrong way. You have got to change your focus. Your definition of excellence is all wrong. You can't do any of this in your own strength. We're called to be like Christ, not some super type-A overachiever who leads a virtuous life. He was perfect because He was the son of God. You're not God, you're just a man. A pathetic man."

Morgan: "Thanks... jerk. You realize you're saying that stuff to yourself, right?"

Self: "You are such a baby. The thing is that you should pursue becoming more like Christ. That's the whole point of being a Christian. But you've seen for yourself that you can't do it. You have to let Him do it."

Morgan: "I'VE TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK!"

Self: "Bullshit. You're just impatient. God has a perfect plan. He's cooking awesome sauce in your life, you just can't taste it yet."

Morgan: "Ok. I don't care what you say, that was totally my line."

Self: "Well maybe you should believe it then."

Morgan: "Ok well we're back on our street. Can we talk about this later?"

Self: "Sure. Just think about it. Maybe you should even *gasp* pray about it."

Morgan: "Don't even start with prayer, you know I don't have a freaking clue what that thing is all about. I'm walking through the door. I'll talk to you later."