Statics and Dynamics

Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 by Morgan in
0

Do people change or do they stay the same? Are they static or dynamic?


This is a question that I don't know the answer to, and the answer to this question has a serious impact on how I live my life.

If people do change, there are some consequences. There is hope. There is uncertainty. There is something we can do to change ourselves and our world for the better.

If people don't change, there are some consequences. There is no hope. There is absolute certainty. There is nothing we can do to change ourselves and our world for the better.

I think both are true. People don't change in the sense that their personalities are consistent (that is unless they've undergone some sort of trauma that is so horrific and pervasive that it reaches into the deepest part of a person and fundamentally changes it. Like being forced to finish ALL your math homework before you could eat lunch. That will mess you up.). This is statics. For example, someone who is type A will always think type B's are messy and irresponsible and someone who is type B will always think type A's are OCD. An early bird will never enjoy being anything but unconscious after 10 pm and a night owl will always think that 6 am is a cruel joke. Pessimists will always think optimists are crazy and optimists will always think pessimists are suicidal (Realists, on the other hand, wonder why we can't all be crazy and suicidal). People who like to talk will always think silence is awkward and people who would rather think than talk will always think that silence is underrated. These things are static and people generally act according to their personalities. This modus operandi is fine and dandy as long as you're living up in the mountains training a peregrine falcon and carving yourself a house out of a tree. Because you (and your falcon) are all you have to deal with. This way of living falls apart when you rub shoulders with other people who might have, heaven forbid, a different personality.

This is where people do change in the sense that they can choose to change the way they behave regardless of how they feel. I talk more about this in my post about love (please read it, it will give you an understanding of the basis for what I'm saying and it might even change your life). Type A people can be around type B people and appreciate the creativity, freedom, and fluidity with which they live their lives and type B people can be around type A people and appreciate the order and planning around which they structure their lives. Neither must force their way of life on the other. Night owls can get up early to join the breakfast club (or coffee time) with early birds, and early birds can stay up late to watch (or sleep through) a movie with a flock of night owls. Optimists and pessimists can take the advice of the realist. Talkers can listen and listeners can talk, even though either will be hard for both. This is necessary when we live in community with others. We must crucify our own natural desires and tendencies in order to get along with (and show love to) others. Because we're not up in the mountains whittling a steam engine out of a pine log and hunting grizzly bears with a slingshot. We're late for work and the person in line at Starbucks can't decide whether to get a strawberry mocha with extra whip cream or a dirty chai and is calling mom to help them decide. We're driving in the Fred Meyer parking lot and the lady cuts us off and just waves at us because somehow that makes it okay. We're around people who aren't perfect and we all have to get along. Or else we'll end up like Albania.

So basically people can't change who they are but they can change what they do.

Love

Posted: by Morgan in
2

I came to a game-changing realization last week. Scratch that, God gave me a piece of the puzzle I had been missing for a long time. He helped me realize that my idea of love was all wrong, and that it was really messing me up. There are two parts to this realization.


Part I:

Love for me was a feeling, an emotion that a person had for the thing he loved. I thought that emotion was the indicator of how much you loved someone or something. I have since redefined what love is and learned that there are actually two stages of love. Love is deviating from your own nature and desires and tendencies for the sake of showing your beloved that they are valuable and worthy of honor. The first stage of love is euphoria and the second is commitment.

The first stage of love, euphoria, is one where you have a ridiculous amount of positive emotions towards the person you love. These emotions give you superpowers and a compass that points directly toward your beloved at all times. It makes love (going out of your way to show someone else honor and value) easy. I don't care that the time I get to spend with her is shorter than the time I'll spend driving to get there. I don't care that it's satan o'clock in the morning, let's keep talking. I thought that the most mature form of love was a state where that emotion was always present. The euphoria of love is something that comes on initially at the beginning of a relationship and then ceases to be so pervasive and powerful when reality strikes like a blindfolded kid who swings a golf club at a piñata and hits you in the face instead. The euphoria is not gone forever at this point. It will resurface at times, but it is generally indicative of the beginning of a relationship, not the culmination. There is not an advanced stage of love in which the euphoria returns and stays forever.

The second stage of love, commitment, is the stage of love where you have a chinese fire drill and choice punches emotion in the face and takes the driver's seat. It is a stage where the euphoria is gone, in which you must make the choice every single day to love. And the act of love is one whose foundation is one of selflessness and deviation. This love is not necessarily motivated by the euphiroa that wipes away all faults and inhibitions and enables you (for a time) to be absolutely selfless, disregarding personal desires and convenience for the sake of your beloved. This love does not have the euphoria to sustain it and is therefore more difficult and more real and more valuable and more rewarding than euphoric love. It takes guts, true sacrifice, self-control, and selflessness. It shows both the lover and the beloved the depth of the love between them and shows just what kind of person the lover actually is when they're running on regular choice rather than high-octane euphoria.

Now all of this is not to say that euphoria is bad or wrong in any way. I'm simply saying it isn't to be relied upon in the long run. It should certainly be harnessed when it shows itself, which it will from time to time in any loving relationship, and things will more than likely be grand when it does, but it should not be the focus or goal of the relationship. Relying on euphoria to run an entire relationship is like relying on a Zenvo ST1 to take you snowboarding on Mt. Hood. It will be an absolute blast in the foothills and you'll ask yourself why the world even manufactures other cars until you hit real-life things like potholes and gravel and elevation and snow. It's fantastically reliable Italian engineering will cause it to break down, the $20,000 carbon-ceramic brakes will need to be replaced, you won't be able to see behind you, your passenger will be forced to hold the snowboards out the window and carry the gear in their lap, you'll crash, and everybody will hate you. At the same time, when the Zenvo appears in your driveway one day, you'd be an absolute idiot not to drive it. Because it looks like this. And has 1100 horsepower. And it's being driven in Dubai, which is the opposite of Mt. Hood.


Our culture is absolutely saturated with emotion and euphoria. It's all we want, and it comes with newness:a new car, new clothes, new job, new haircut, new girlfriend, new wife, new vacation, new music, new politicians, new, new NEW NEW NEW!

The euphoria we so desire does not last, and people think like I did that if the euphoria is not there, whatever produced it in the first place must not be worthwhile or right or valuable anymore. They think that the feelings are the goal, a sign and indicator the true love or contentment have been reached. This is not true, and if we cannot see that this is as much a falsehood as the everything Richard Nixon (or Tricky Dick, as some people call him) ever said on TV, the divorce rate will continue to hover around 50%, people will still live far above their means, there will still be broken relationships, absent fathers and single mothers, and a waste and neglect and disregard for that which is not shining and new.

Part II:

I have been placing my hope in euphoria with my relationship with God. I have been desiring that feeling, that passion, that euphoria in my relationship with Him, thinking that it would be the representative indicator that my relationship with Him is deep and full and real. I was sorely mistaken. The first stage of love for God occurred for me when I was very young. Four years old. It really did not last long. No matter how I feel about that, about hte justice or equity of that fact, it happened and I've struggled with it unconsciously, unknowingly, for years. I have been living and searching for the euphoric love for God and have been angry and disappointed when He doesn't provide it like I thought He promised. The relationship He promises to those who believe Him is much different and much deeper and richer than just a feeling. Loving God is not like a drug you take when you're feeling spiritually dry. Loving God is not "being in love with Jesus" in the sense that I and mosof my peers understand it. It is not serving the homeless in Portland or going to Swaziland or Cambodia out of a blazing passion and emotional draw to share Jesus (and the euphoric love that He will give you) with the world.

No. Loving God is living day to day, following after Christ, our beloved, and seeking to be more like him. That may find expression in ministering overseas, but it does not have its basis and foundation in a euphoria, in a romantic love for Christ. It can and should (in the long run) have its basis and foundation in a commitment and willingness to sacrifice even when we don't feel like it. A ministry built on that will be far more meaningful than any emotional decision to follow God's calling.

God showed me that I have had the second sort of love for Him for a long time. I have had the steady, deep, serious commitment to deviate from my own desires to honor Him. I have had the most desirable kind of love that one could wish for and said, "Is this all that there will ever be?" I have been foolish and ridiculous and immature, wishing for the very beginning of love rather than basking and glorying in the deep, committed love He has allowed me to have for Him. I have despised His love for me and asked for that which will not be sustaining. I have despised the gifts of financial and familial and academic wonders which he has bestowed upon me and asked instead for emotion. Ah emotion, you fickle, hateful, beautiful feeling. How sweet yet how fleeting you are.

When I sat and wrote about this subject for hours last week, I felt as if I had unlocked the secret to life, love, happiness, and relationship. And God has been teaching it to me for years. He's allowed me to live in the second stage of love with Him without me realizing it. And he has blessed me immeasurably through it all with countless and wonderful blessings. The creator of the universe did all of that in my life.

Wow.

"Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky."
-The Love of God, by Frederick M. Lehman

Notes on Honesty

Posted: Sunday, December 25, 2011 by Morgan in
0

Honesty is simply the absence of deceit.

If that's all you need, don't read the rest because it will probably seem very rigid and I'm almost positive it will be so boring that you will cry.

This definition of honesty was stumbled upon as I shared stories with a close friend who has recently returned home from college. We were talking about the importance of being honest and the importance of knowing what and how much to say. What we initially discovered was that honesty is best defined negatively as opposed to positively. This thought remained in my head for about a week, and then I thought about it for almost an entire shift at work earlier this week and scribbled down what I could during my breaks. It's very academic and ridiculous, but it was a good exercise.

Honesty is complicated. If we try to define it with the things we should say we will run into problems because it's not always good to just say everything that is true to everyone. It's not helpful to be a firehose of honesty. It's difficult to determine what level of honest disclosure of information is appropriate and it's much simpler and easier to determine whether or not deceit is present based on what we omit from the truth or what we add to it. We know when we're bending the truth by adding extra things that didn't really happen to our story or completely changing it to cover up something we are ashamed of or even when we say most of what is true and simply leave out parts that could tarnish our reputation or the reputation of others. That part of honesty is fairly easy.


The difficulty lies in how much information we should disclose to others when being honest. A definition that is nice in theory but unhelpful in practice is this: we should disclose just enough information in order to not be deceptive. How do we know what that amount is? Maybe the best judge is the conscience. Everyone has one, so it's not something you have to train or grow or develop. On the other hand our response to the nudgings of our conscience is something we have to train. We have to respond the right way to what our conscience tells us. (I could get into the origin of the conscience and the deeper philosophical and theological basis of what it actually is, but that would be possibly more dull and boring that this already is. This must be what it's like to write textbooks.) It may be as simple as something like social competence. Some people have it and some people don't. Some people know the right things to say and do around others and some people just don't. It may be the same way with knowing when and how much to tell people as we are being honest.

In the pursuit of honesty, it seems there are two main variables that determine how much disclosure is appropriate: the category of person with whom we are being honest and how much the target of honesty knows us. The categories of people are as follows: the self, the individual, and the community. We should tell ourselves everything without exception. We are doing ourselves absolutely no favors by keeping information from ourselves. When it comes to another individual, it gets a bit more complex. I think the amount disclosed to the other person should contain everything pertinent or critical to your relationship to them, and that anything beyond that should be carefully weighed against how much the extra information may help or hurt them. When we have to be honest to a large group or community, disclosure should be limited to the information that affects our relationship with the entire community. If individuals within the community find deceit in your honesty, it becomes an individual matter and extra information should be given if and only if it is any of their business. If they are simply looking for juicy information, you aren't helping anybody by giving it to them in the name of honesty. We can do just as much damage by telling people too much as we can by lying through omission.

Be

Posted: Wednesday, December 21, 2011 by Morgan in
0

I can finally be myself. I came to a realization yesterday that who I am and who I have been trying to become has not been genuine. I have had selfish ulterior motives. I have been consumed with pride about who and what I am becoming and I think I am able to let that go now.

I'm free.

Some of the lyrics to Shake It Out by Manchester Orchestra do an excellent job of illustrating my realization:

I felt the Lord begin
...to peel off all my skin.

I felt the weight within
...reveal the bigger mess
......that you can't fix.

Change

Posted: by Morgan in
0

My desires are changing. I find myself wanting things that I have never wanted. My idea of entertainment has changed. I no longer want to do things like watch movies or tv shows or play video games. I would rather be outside or working with my hands or playing guitar or learning something new. I am attracted to things in other people that I never would have thought I would be attracted to. Instead of surrounding myself with people who run through life met with success after success and have all the answers, I enjoy being around people who, like me, wrestle with life and who do not have all the answers and who are not perfect. I don't look for the best in people anymore, I look for the reality in them. "There's beauty in the funk." I can't really describe this one as explicitly as I can the rest, but I can sense a change.

Manchester Orchestra: Virgin

Posted: Monday, December 19, 2011 by Morgan in
0

We've made our bed and now we must lie in it.


Bicycle

Posted: by Morgan in
2

Owning a bike takes love, work, sacrifice, patience, and patience. It's full of ups and downs. Bikes aren't perfect and neither are you. They can be infuriating and pleasing, unsightly and beautiful, enslaving and emancipating all within minutes of each other.

The story of my bike is a good one. Her name is Margo. I was introduced to her by my roommate this summer. He had been building his own bike for some time before and I wasn't really interested. I rode my gross, heavy, tank-like Schwinn Ranger mountain bike to and from school for most of the year and I didn't care that much. Then I started looking on craigslist for single speed road bikes. I found one for really cheap that I could fix up and sell, so I did. I got all new parts for it and fixed it up really nicely and sold it. I was hooked. And then I found Margo. She started out as just a frame and some cranks, but bit by bit I built her up from parts I found on craigslist. I got her a nice wheelset, new handlebars, a comfortable seat, magnificent brakes (you'll see why this is ironic later), and all the extra little bits necessary to make a bike rideable. I made a lot of mistakes at first, but I loved working on Margo and the more time I spent with her, the more I knew she was the bike for me. She wasn't the prettiest bike to begin with: her cranks were a bit scratched, her frame was gangly and a little too big, her front fork was at a weird angle so that the pedals hit the front wheel when I was turning, her bottom bracket was a little rusty and used proprietary parts. But I didn't care. I was going to make her fly. I would do whatever it took. I still remember the first day I went on a ride with her, I had finished installing the brakes and putting the handlebars on. I put them on completely wrong. They looked ridiculous and my friends thought I was stupid and ignorant, but I loved them and kept them that way out of spite for a while. It wasn't until months later that I realized they actually were ridiculous and wrong. I fixed them and they were instantly better.

When I went off to school in the fall, I switched her from a single speed to a fixed gear. It was simultaneously the best and worst decision I ever made. My cycling friends thought I was stupid and hated Margo, but I didn't care. I had such a connection with Margo that riding any other bike simply felt awkward and undignified and pointless. We rode to school every day and I made sure she had a strong lock to keep her safe while I was in class. I put cards in her spokes and she wore them with pride. We went on short sprints through downtown Newberg, racing cars down hills and bobbing and weaving through the suburbs in the sunshine. She and I pulled my friends down streetlamp-lit roads on their longboards at night. It was a fantastic way to travel. A friend and I took her out on the back country roads at sunset and we cruised along long straight roads that bordered pastures and fields, just soaking it all in.

Then I took the brakes off.

It was freeing. Margo and I were so close and so good at communicating that I simply found I didn't need them. It was a beautiful feeling. Just me and Margo, no barriers between my feet and the drivetrain. She translated every move I made perfectly into the pavement. I knew exactly what to do in every instance. When I was riding, Margo and I were one. I hadn't used my brakes for months and the high-end Shimano 105s were simply extra weight to us. So off they came. I hadn't needed to use them except for once, and even then they didn't help me at all. I crashed into the curb anyway. We were both fine so I didn't think twice about it.

Then came that fateful ride.

We went out to the back country roads again with the same friend, but this time we were hungry for hills. It sounded challenging and exhilarating and I knew that Margo and I could conquer anything geography could throw at us, brakes or no brakes, gears or no gears, coasting or no coasting. Oh boy was I wrong. And it cost Margo everything. We climbed and climbed and climbed, I was thrilled with how well we were doing going up all of these winding hills. Elevation couldn't touch us! We didn't need gears! Who cares if my legs were on fire and I was short of breath? WE WERE CLIMBING HILLS ON A FIXED GEAR. And then I gave out. I simply couldn't pedal any more. I was tired and ready to blast back downhill. So we turned around. It was incredible. We were absolutely flying down the mountainside, going 30, 40, maybe even 50 miles per hour at one point. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. Raw untamed speed, all caused by me and Margo and gravity. Then my friend passed us. I thought to myself, "So what if she has gears and brakes? WE CAN GO FASTER! Come on Margo, let's show them what we can do."

And then came the corner.

I saw it coming. I knew it couldn't end well, but it was too late. My feet were still in the pedal cages, I wasn't wearing a helmet, I didn't have brakes, I was still going upwards of 35 or 40 mph. I started to resist pedaling to slow down, Margo started to wobble. We had never done anything like this before. I could see and hear my friend using the brakes on her bike. As I started into the corner, still wobbling and going too fast, "Come on Margo, we'll just take it wide because I don't want to strike your pedals and launch us both into the air. We'll stop after this and regroup before we hit another corner, okay?" I leaned into the corner, pedals and legs still spinning too fast. We missed the apex, swinging a bit wide, but we made it around. At this point, we were on the knife edge of the border between the right side of the asphalt and the bumpy, dirty, grassy shoulder of the road. I had a choice, and to this day I regret the split-second choice I made in that instant. In that crystal clear frozen moment in time it was like I was on a tightrope and I could either keep my balance or take a rest and step off for just a second. I chose the latter. I chose to veer off ever so slightly onto the shoulder to finish the wide sweeping turn we made. Margo followed my lead, faithful and trusting as she was. I had never led her wrong before. Well maybe once, but there was nothing I could have done then. We went off onto the shoulder and her front wheel hit a bump or pothole or something the incredible forces in action wrenched her handlebars ninety degrees to the right of where they should have been and I completely lost control. I grunted, bracing for the crash I knew was inevitable. I closed my eyes as I pitched off of Margo to my right and it was over. Impact. Something kicked in right at that second. I knew where my body was headed. I knew what kind of surface I was landing on. I knew how my body would react to different types of landings. I knew what could happen if I messed this up too. My right shoulder took the brunt of the impact and I made a wheel shape with my arms and my back and rolled as much as I could. I landed, rolled once and stopped.

I opened my eyes. I was lying in the ditch. My right shoe had come off and was lying uphill about 10 feet away. I felt alright. Nothing was broken. Nothing even hurt yet. I got up and retrieved my shoe and then went to check on Margo. She looked okay from a distance, and then the stark, horrible reality washed over me as I saw her front wheel...

Oh...

God.

What have I done?

There she was, lying on the shoulder, stem and handlebars wrenched from their normal position and front wheel bent and mangled into the shape of a potato chip. Margo, my faithful friend and companion through all those months, through all those rides, through all the ridicule from friends and mistakes made by me. She had always been there, never asking anything of me and always willing to take me wherever I wanted to go. And now as she lay there in a pile of wreckage, I knew it was over. I knew she was too broken to go on. I had asked too much of her and she had answered in the best way she could. I had failed her and I knew it. And the worst part about it was that I had come out of the wreck essentially unscathed. My shoulder hurt for a week or two afterwards, but other than that and some scratches, I was completely fine.

I wasn't really thinking as I picked her up and put her on my shoulder. There was no emotion as I lifted the wreckage off the ground and started walking down the hill. My friend realized that I was not behind her and had turned back to see what had happened. She came back and called a friend to come pick us up. I tried halfheartedly to fix Margo's front wheel while we waited, but it was no use. The damage was done. She was unrideable. As we loaded our bikes into the car and drove back home, I was still processing what had happened. When we arrived at the garage, I took Margo out and leaned her against the wall like I always had when we came back from wherever we were. But this time I knew I wouldn't be coming to get her again any time soon. I didn't really know what to do after that. I had to ride my scooter to school, which was fine, but it wasn't Margo. I would see her in the garage, leaning broken against the wall and would think, "I don't have the time or money to fix that wheel right now," and go on with my life. I had abandoned her and my responsibility to her. For months.

Then Christmas break rolled around, and I had decided to make things right. I would get Margo a new wheelset and fix her up so we could ride together again. I owed her at least that much. I put her in the car as I drove home (minus the front wheel) and did some shopping when I got home and found the perfect set of wheels for her. Beautiful white deep-V's with skinny white tires. I bought them and put them on, working through all the kinks and fixing the handlebars and making sure everything was in good working order. It was like old times again. Then I took her out for a nice evening ride. We rode all around through Milwaukie under the streetlights and trees. I was more careful this time. I slowed way down, took the corners with perfect control, and made sure we could handle going downhill as well as uphill. We even went fast, but not too fast. I did not want a repeat of our last ride. It was beautiful. Margo was beautiful. She still had the scars from her crash: a slightly tweaked fork, a little hesitation in the chainline, a little bit jittery at times. I loved her despite the faults that I had caused her. And these things reminded me what we had been through, reminded me what I had done, reminded me what I was never to do again, reminded me never to ask of her more than she could offer, reminded me to lead the right way.

It's really a beautiful story.

Natural (Better Part II)

Posted: Tuesday, December 13, 2011 by Morgan in
0

The key issue here is that of responsibility (or lack thereof). Those who have shortcomings and use their identity as an excuse to ignore those flaws do not take responsibility for their actions and tendencies. We should take responsibility for who we are. We should not be lazy or apathetic about our character because that is one of the most important things about us. We can't necessarily change our circumstances, but we can change our response to those circumstances. If we just let our natural self take over, our response will almost always be negative. But people argue that we should all simply "be ourselves" and everything will work out. They say, "This is the way I was made, why should I resist it? Why would something that comes so naturally to me be so wrong?"

Let me put it this way. I would like nothing more than to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for every meal (because it's SO FREAKING GOOD). That is my natural desire for something that tastes good. But if I were to do that my quality of life would plummet. I would become overweight and out of shape and unhealthy. So I resist that very natural urge. The resistance of that natural desire is good and healthy, while the natural desire itself is harmful and unhealthy in the long run.

A more comprehensive and applicable example would be this: I desire relationship. I want to fill the role of a husband and father. I want to love and be loved in return. But I know that it's not a good idea right now. I know that I am not ready to fill that role yet. I'm barely able to take care of myself, let alone another person who is dependent on me. I am still going to school, I don't have transportation, I still live in my parents' home, I have no steady employment as of yet, I'm not mature enough to be the leader of a household. So I resist that natural desire. I've seen what can happen when people who aren't ready for a relationship pursue one anyway. It's not pretty.

Let's all take responsibility for who we are. That means you too Morgan.

Better

Posted: Monday, December 12, 2011 by Morgan in
0

People are a certain way. They were raised to have certain tendencies, responses, and habits. Sometimes these characteristics are good....And sometimes they simply aren't. Sometimes they are annoying, problematic, and unhealthy. Too often I've seen people hide behind who they are and refuse to take responsibility for their natural shortcomings. My generation and the generation that is currently being cultivated and trained have been brought up in the self-esteem era. We are taught that if we have a pulse, we are wonderful. Although this idea stems from a nugget of truth, it has been twisted and stripped of its value by giving value to everyone and everything they do regardless of their actual merit.


We were created in the image of God, so we all have intrinsic worth in the eyes of God.

BUT.

We are also messed up. Every. Single. Person. And we need to change. I can't just go through our lives as the messed up person I am without even a hint of change and expect people to love me because "it's just who I am." That would be unreasonable. People don't like people who do have characteristics that go against their beliefs and convictions and interests and values. They don't like people who have characteristics that they do not respect. There's definitely something to be said for loving people in spite of who they are, but there's also something to be said for being someone who people love because of who they are. I think everyone has the capacity to change, and I have the utmost respect for those who seek to cultivate that positive change in themselves.

I'm not perfect. Not remotely. I'm just as messed up as the next person and I'm saying all of this to myself. I hope I can change. I hope God will change me.

Prodigal

Posted: Friday, December 9, 2011 by Morgan in
0

One of my friends from Hillsdale posted this on her blog last year. The thing that is so appealing to me about this video is the truth contained in it. This song is a story about each and every one of us. We all have the same offer of peace and glory and love, we all reject it and turn to our own strength and pride for guidance and security, and we all must come crawling back in repentance to the open arms of Jesus if we are to gain the incredible gift he offers us.

All of that sounds awfully harsh and depressing, but it all makes sense and is presented appropriately in the video.

Watch it.

Untitled

Posted: Tuesday, December 6, 2011 by Morgan in
1

What is it about us that makes us want to stand out from the crowd, to be different (in a good way), to be better, to have what others don't have, to be what others can't be.


And then what is it about us that makes us bitter toward the people who do stand out from the crowd, who are different, who are better, who have what we don't have, who are who we can't be?

I think the answer is pride. C.S. Lewis says this about the issue: "Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man...It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest." I think he's right. And I think the comparative and competitive nature of pride is what also makes us despise those who are better or nicer or richer or smarter than us.

I was talking with a friend the type of people for whom I have no respect, and after I thought about it for a while, I realized that the things I did not like about these people were the very things I wanted to be. It hit me like a freight train. I was revolted by the gross hypocrisy I was committing. I don't know how to change my desires, but I know that they need to change. I am judgmental and two-faced and treacherous beyond hope. Only God can fix me, but it seems that he is refusing to do so.

That's where faith comes in. There must be a connection between belief and action and between faith and works. I think faith is that connection. "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." I don't understand any of those virtues. But I know the truth about God. I know that doesn't change. I know He changes people. I know He loves me. I know Christ died for me.

I know I know I know

I KNOW I KNOW I FREAKING KNOW.

I'M DOING THE THINGS I'M SUPPOSED TO DO! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Wait.

Wait.







Wait.



















Wait.

Excellence, etc.

Posted: Sunday, December 4, 2011 by Morgan in
0

I went on a run tonight and thought about excellence.


Here's how my thought process went. It was almost exactly like one part of myself talking with another part of myself.

Morgan: "Self, I want to bleed excellence."

Self: "What?"

Morgan: "You know, I want everything about me to be the very best it can."

Self: "...how do you mean?"

Morgan: "I'm so sick of being mediocre and apathetic. I want to go above and beyond in everything I pursue. I want to be the best."

Self: "Okay but..."

Morgan: "I want people to see me and say, 'Now there goes an excellent man.' I want excellence to define who I am. I want to be so excellent that it explodes out of me and wraps itself around everyone I come in contact with and infects them with its awesomeness!"

Self: "Are you sure you want that?"

Morgan: "Absolutely."

Self: "Alright, but it seems a bit... you know, prideful in a way."

Morgan: "Come on, aren't we called to be set apart? Technically we're called to perfection as Christians. I don't see the problem with getting as close to that as I can."

Self: "Ok, but you've gone down this sort of route before with resisting sin and temptation and your soul pretty much shriveled up and died for a while. You didn't like that very much."

Morgan: "Yeah but this is different. I'm not trying to resist sin by beating my physical desires into submission. It's not evasion this time, it's pursuit. That's biblical."

Self: "God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God."

Morgan: "Don't bring the bible into this. I just want to be better. What's wrong with that?"

Self: "You're in grave danger of cultivating a pharisaic heart."

Morgan: "Seriously? What's wrong with you?"

Self: "Excellence isn't being better than other people. No matter what you say about biblical imperatives (you really need to stopt using that phrase by the way) concerning being a good witness, you really just want other people to see you as this awesome guy who has everything under control. Who is a good leader and responsible and smart and humble and caring and loyal and sacrificial.

You can't fool me.

I am you.

You aren't any of those things, Morgan. Your heart is so proud. All of those things I listed are the opposite of what you really are. You just cover over your passivity and laziness and irresponsibility and stupidity and pride and lack of compassion and treason and entitlement by temporarily killing those things in yourself. You're a reactionary. Who you try to make yourself takes an incredible amount of focus and mental effort and self control. There are too many forces fighting against each other in your head and your heart. You're going to absolutely lose control sooner or later and then you'll be all the things that you hate. You can't do keep this up.

Morgan: "Will you please shut up."

Self: "Nope. You need to hear this. You can't keep this up on your own."

Morgan: "I've done it this long, what makes you think I'm not strong enough to live my entire life with restraint and excellence?"

Self:
"You can't fool me.

I am you.

We've been over this."

Morgan: "I'm just so sick of seeing all the things I hate about myself in other people and I just want to be different. I want to be better. I want to be excellent."

Self: "There you go with the excellence thing again. And the pride thing. You have got to change your focus or else you're going to crash. Hard. You felt yourself slipping last month. Do you want to completely lose it?"

Morgan: "No, so I have to work harder!"

Self: "You can't."

Morgan: "Yes I can! You have no idea what I'm capable of! I can be excellent! I can be all the things I want to be! Those things are good, don't tell me I shouldn't strive for that!"

Self:
"You can't fool me.

I am you."

Morgan: "STOP F@CKING SAYING THAT!"

Self: "I do what I want."

Morgan: "THAT'S MY LINE!"

Self: "Ok this is getting ridiculous. If it's your line it's my line."

Morgan: "..."

Self: "Because we're the same... Oh never mind. You're hopeless. You're arguing with yourself, you realize that's weird right?"

Morgan: "It wouldn't be so weird if you weren't so infuriating... Never mind, you were saying something."

Self: "Right. I'm not saying your pursuit of excellence is necessarily wrong, it's just that you're going about it the wrong way. You have got to change your focus. Your definition of excellence is all wrong. You can't do any of this in your own strength. We're called to be like Christ, not some super type-A overachiever who leads a virtuous life. He was perfect because He was the son of God. You're not God, you're just a man. A pathetic man."

Morgan: "Thanks... jerk. You realize you're saying that stuff to yourself, right?"

Self: "You are such a baby. The thing is that you should pursue becoming more like Christ. That's the whole point of being a Christian. But you've seen for yourself that you can't do it. You have to let Him do it."

Morgan: "I'VE TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK!"

Self: "Bullshit. You're just impatient. God has a perfect plan. He's cooking awesome sauce in your life, you just can't taste it yet."

Morgan: "Ok. I don't care what you say, that was totally my line."

Self: "Well maybe you should believe it then."

Morgan: "Ok well we're back on our street. Can we talk about this later?"

Self: "Sure. Just think about it. Maybe you should even *gasp* pray about it."

Morgan: "Don't even start with prayer, you know I don't have a freaking clue what that thing is all about. I'm walking through the door. I'll talk to you later."

Mercy

Posted: Tuesday, November 29, 2011 by Morgan in
0

Dear God,


Why are you so gentle with me?

Why do you allow such crippling pain and unthinkable waste and consuming regret in others while you show me such mercy in discipline? I am no better than they. I am worse because I think I am better.

Lord have mercy on my proud and bitter heart.

Amen.

The Simple Life

Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2011 by Morgan in
0

Lately I've become increasingly attracted to the simple life. I generally dislike extravagance (which, on an entirely different note that I may write about at some point, I think limits my creativity and curiosity) to the point where I don't really even joke about it. When talking to a friend about a 1.7 million dollar jetboat made almost entirely of carbon fiber with an 8000 Watt speaker system with, WiFi connectivity, a custom trailer, and twin 1,350 horsepower engines that could go 180 mph on the water, he commented that if he had enough money he would buy it. I'm not quite sure if it was in jest or not, but I reacted as if it wasn't. I could never justify spending so much money on something so frivolous and made purely for entertainment.

I've viewed money differently throughout the years, mainly weighing my expenditures against purchases of something very important or enjoyable in my life at the time. For example, in high school I played an online game called Runescape that cost 5 dollars a month. Whenever I bought something or saw other people purchasing things, I would say something like, "I could have bought 3 months of Runescape membership with that…" Now I think very differently. When someone makes a purchase, a big one at least, I always ask myself "How much food and clothing could the amount of money they just spent on that new kitchen have bought for homeless people in Portland?" or "How many schools or orphanages could have been funded by the money they just spent on that Porsche?" We are stewards of the gifts God has given us, including all the money that we have. I talk more about my idea of stewardship in this post if you're curious.

I've been challenged recently in the topic of giving. A thought that goes through my head often is "a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice unless it's a sacrifice." I've been giving money out of what I earn each month to my local church and have been for some time, but it's never been difficult or painful or sacrificial giving. I always simply give it and don't think about it. I fear it is becoming a source of pride in me. "I'm giving like a good Christian is supposed to give and that's good enough. I'm giving even though other people aren't." I do not want to fall into the trap of complacency and self-righteous pride. Israel does that a lot in the bible and it never goes well for them (just read Numbers). I've been challenged to give more and trust God to work out the rest. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, the simple life. Food. Clothing. Appearance. Health. Housing. Entertainment. Transportation. All of it. I want to do it all simply. Without distraction. My career will not be a simple one. I will be engaging daily with challenging and complex ideas, problems, solutions, and documentation. I want the rest of my life to be simple. I want to live well below my means in an adequate house with functional transportation, healthy wholesome food, simple clothing, edifying entertainment. I want to give of my money and time and talents. There is a lot of need in this world and I want to meet it. I want to protect and provide, both for my own family and for those in this world who are in need. And I think God is going to enable me to do that. And I think I can be more effective in doing that by living a simple life.

There is a fine line between simplicity and something like reclusiveness, and I do not want to cross that line into reclusiveness by any means. I still want to be in community with others and I do not want the simplicity of my life to be a hindrance to myself, my family, my friends, or my church. We are called to be in the world but not of the world. We can't do that if we aren't actively engaged in the world. We can't be actively engaged in the world if we aren't in community with others. I'll probably talk about that more in another post some other time.

Basically, I see something profoundly beautiful about simplicity. I want to capture it.

Anger

Posted: Monday, November 21, 2011 by Morgan in
0

I am angry.


Angry at people for being false.

Angry at people for their failure to act on what they believe.

Angry at people for disregarding their "convictions" when they become inconvenient.


I thought it was a righteous anger, but I'm not so sure any more, because it could just as easily be me.

O Life, where is your victory? Where, O Life, is your sting?

Posted: Friday, November 11, 2011 by Morgan in
1

I talked to a good friend today about many things. We stumbled upon some incredible statements during our hour-long discussion. I'll list some of them and then do my best to recount the thought process behind them.

The entirety of existence is a paradox.
This one came out of talking about God. I have been struggling with the purpose in creation and existence. Why did God create all of this? For His glory? For our good? Maybe. My friend suggested that maybe God was telling Himself (the Trinity) a story about Himself. I've heard it said that God created the universe so that He could completely express Himself and fulfill needs in ways that He could not within the permanently-existent Trinity. God is complete in his Trinitarian existence. He needs nothing. He is holy. He is perfection. But He is also sacrificial and wrathful and just and merciful. He can't be wrathful toward Himself because He is perfect and holy. He can't sacrifice Himself for Himself because He needs nothing. He needs not get glory because He has it all.

The theory is that He made creation to show His love and wrath and sacrifice and justice and mercy and faithfulness and holiness to beings who needed it. He created us so He could fulfill needs.

He made creation to express the entirety of Himself to Himself.

Ok so once you've wrapped your mind around that, here's the paradoxical part. The focal point of earth's history is Christ's sacrifice on the cross for our sin. God created mankind and gave us all of creation for our own. He gave us perfection in the garden of Eden, and then Adam and Eve went and screwed it right up. God knew just exactly how grave this mistake (if you want to call it that) was. He knew that it would require Him, the holy, perfect, righteous, all-powerful being in charge of the entire universe, to give all of that up and come down to earth and pay the ultimate price, both in the context of humanity and in the context of the Trinity. He would have to give up some or all of his deity and take on a created human form. He knew that the life in that human form would be brutally wrenched from Him. He knew that He would be utterly separated from Himself. He knew that He would pour out all of His unbearable wrath upon Himself.

The result of that ultimate sacrifice is that we are forgiven the sins we commit every single waking moment of our lives and that we get to spend eternity in a place that is exponentially better than the best possible place anybody could have thought of. He sacrificed Himself to Himself for us so that we could experience the best thing ever for all eternity.

He made creation to bless us with blessings beyond measure.

So basically this doesn't make any sense to me. I'm pretty sure those two big bold lines are true. I'm also entirely convinced that they are in a sense mutually exclusive. In one case, God is completely selfish and cares only for Himself and His glory and satisfaction, so He creates the universe. In the other, God creates the universe to bring other creatures into the blissful paradise that is His presence and sacrifices everything to do that. The coexistence of these two things are impossible, but they are also impossibly coexistent. Thus, the entirety of existence is a paradox.

Which brings me to the second incredible statement we made during our conversation:
Maybe eternity exists to explain what was going on in the short time we have here on earth.
Maybe when we get to heaven God will say something like, "So remember those 80-odd years you guys spent on Earth? Well, here's what was really going on there," and proceed with the explanation that would last an eternity.

It makes my head hurt.

____________________________________________________________________
I'm an incredibly logical person, so I essentially refuse to accept any theology that is based on feeling and I have a hard time accepting a theology that is based on experience, which leaves me believing in either a logical or biblical theology (which I think go hand-in-hand). A theology that I've been in contact with for a long time is grossly overgeneralized as the theology of John Calvin, which is full of logic and biblical arguments and such. I fear that if I think too deeply about this kind of theology, my brain will take it to its logical end of a sort of Christian nihilism. Why nihilism you ask? I would tell you, but I think an equation will do the talking better than I ever could.

This is the expression for God's glory:


Where s is the number of sins we have committed, d is the number of days we've volunteered our time and gone to church, σ is whether or not we have been saved, θ is the state of our spiritual walk, t is the amount of love we have shown others, and $ is the amount of money we have given to the church.

For the non math- and science-oriented people among you, the thing about this equation is that no matter what any of the variables listed are, the result will always be infinity. If you divide infinity by any number it will still be infinity.

Basically this equation says that nothing we could ever do can add to or detract from God's glory. If I murdered every person I saw until the police caught me, God would still be just as glorious as He was an hour ago. If I sold all my stuff, quit college, gave all my money away, and lived in a monastery for the rest of my life, God would be no more glorified that he would have been otherwise. BECAUSE HE IS PERFECT. So essentially nothing I do matters.

That's where I would end up if I thought about it too much, and although I believe in the basics and essentials of the theology from which that conclusion is birthed, I refuse to delve deep into it because I know where it would lead.

A wise man once told me to embrace the mystery or I would destroy myself trying to figure it out. But I see the mystery and am completely overwhelmed by it. It seems that the solution is almost within my grasp. It seems that with just a little more manipulation and deep thought it would all come together and make sense. But I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen.

The same wise man told me something else that has been incredibly helpful as of late:
Thinking is good, but overthinking is not. Once you have steeped yourself in thinking about something good, you need to stop thinking and start doing.
____________________________________________________________________

This is the kind of stuff we talk about most of the time.

Where is Your Mercy?

Posted: Tuesday, November 8, 2011 by Morgan in
2


I’ve felt their lives slip through my fingers, now I watch them circle the drain

with breath like the torrent they sink to the bottom

I’ve wasted so many chances, my efforts not a drop in the barrel

with a body like a boulder I sink to the bottom


(Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?)


I’ve shown my teeth (Where is your mercy?) and have had them kicked in one too many times (Where is your mercy now?)

In my yearning (where is your mercy?) He split the rock, and the water gushed forth


A voice keeps yelling, a voice keeps yelling

”This is where your proud waves end!”

My fingers trace lines, on the surface i’m consumed.


The sinking feeling, the sinking feeling

"This is where your proud waves end!”

I take my first step, and i’m thrown over the edge


I tried to walk on the water but now I just swim

they slip through my fingers, now I watch them circle the drain

with breath like the torrent they sink to the bottom

I’ve wasted so many chances, my efforts not a drop in the barrel

with a body like a boulder I sink to the bottom



Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?

Where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now? Where is your mercy?


What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy? Where is your mercy now?)

What grace is this that saves me? (where is your mercy?)


(Where is your mercy now? Where? Are you outside of your wrath?)

I SCREAM YOUR NAME! YOUR NAME! YOUR NAME!

Are You outside of Your wrath?


OH GOD!


Your name

and amongst the pile of dead

I see a light split the water from the heavens

I feel God glowing inside me

My heart shakes with the music of the spheres

I no longer tremble in fear

For Redemption has found me

And in Redemption comes the overflow of peace

Narrow

Posted: Friday, November 4, 2011 by Morgan in
1

I didn't expect to write a single word of this post. It didn't come out the way I planned, and what I wrote really surprised me. It's by no means complete or even very well thought out, but it gave me a glimpse of what's really been bothering me.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I would like to expand this quote to all people. People are narrow. They are self-focused, especially when in pain. They can't see anything besides their pain. Pain brings out the worst in us so we can see how good we really are at our core. It's easy to put on our best face when things are going well. But when the shit hits the fan, the inner person comes out. I almost never like what I see in myself when this happens. This time is no exception.

I would like to apply this quote to myself. I am narrow. I am self-focused, especially when in pain. I can't see anyone else's pain and I can't even see the good things in my life. Engineering is impossible. My motivation is rock-bottom. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even what I know about the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't give me peace or determination. School is hard, real life is harder, so what's the point? Life is hard, then you die. Sweet. The only thing I've ever actually had any sort of motivating desire to do with my life was to graduate as an engineer, get married, make money and give it away. I don't even want to do that anymore. It's not going to make life better. I used to look forward most of all to the point in my life where I would get married and start a family. That was my number one desire for a long time, but now it seems pointless, selfish, stupid, and unhelpful.

People tell me that all God wants is my joy. I want to believe that and I've tried to believe it, but I just can't. Each time I try, I come right up to the point where the entirety of existence is about me. I'm going to be honest when I say I want that. People are narrow, remember? And then I get to the point where I realize that I don't want to worship a God who wants that for me. If God did all of this for me, what is He doing for Himself? Sure it "gives Him glory" and everything, but that honestly doesn't mean a thing to me. What the hell is glory anyway? It's not something you can keep or spend or use for anything. It's completely unquantifiable and ethereal and vain and pointless. I don't want to worship a God who is constantly chasing after something so incomprehensible and useless. He's God, so He can get it all, why doesn't He just get it? He does what He wants, so why doesn't He do what He wants? What can we possibly do to give Him more glory than He already has? And what's the point of that?

AND HOW DOES THIS WORK WITH HIM WANTING MY JOY?

WHAT THE HELL, JOHN PIPER?

I don't get this stuff. I thought I used to, but basic questions and irreconcilable contradictions are completely shutting me down. I don't want to worship a God who cares about me and I don't want to worship a God who cares about Himself either.

I wish I could offer some hope or a bible verse or something like I usually do, but it would be fake and I refuse to be fake.

Basically, I make some pretty terrible tea.

Halloween

Posted: Monday, October 31, 2011 by Morgan in
2

If you've read my blog, you may remember a post I made on Halloween last year. I make no apologies for what follows.


I hadn't really thought much about Halloween until a few weeks ago when I talked with one of my friends about the spiritual realm. Then I thought about it again and it's been in the back of my mind ever since. I read an article in the school newspaper today about Halloween and the part it plays at George Fox. The article I read was in favor of the celebration of Halloween. There was another one, presumably against the celebration of Halloween, but I didn't get the chance to read it. I remember the last lines of the article I read very clearly:
Yes I am a Christian.
Yes I celebrate Halloween.
No I do not worship Satan.
The author of this article may be truthful in those three statements, but I must say I strongly disagree with that sentiment.

Halloween may be fun for the kids in middle-class suburban neighborhoods who get to dress up like their favorite superhero and get candy from the neighbors. It may be fun for Nestle and Hersheys and Mars who get to sell craploads of candy.

It's definitely not fun for the thousands of black cats that go missing every year.

It's definitely not fun for the girls who were raised to be breeders for human sacrifices.

It's definitely not fun for the homeless people who become victims of occult rituals.

It's definitely not fun for the children who are buried alive as part of their psychological conditioning.

It sure as hell is fun for demons.

I don't mean to be gruesome or inappropriate. I mean to be real. I mean to be honest. I mean to be truthful. This stuff is not something I'm just making up. I have a hard time taking part in celebrating, no matter how innocuously or innocently, a night that also celebrates Satan. It's hard for me to participate in any way in making light of a day on which any of that stuff happens. God placed two victims of the occult in the lives of my parents soon after they were married. My parents were essentially the only light in the lives of these people. They've participated in more spiritual warfare than I ever care to experience, and they've seen and heard some incredibly real and disturbing things, some that they still won't talk about.

I believe that Satan has perverted this night and claimed it for his own. Spiritual warfare is real. It's not something to mess around with at all. I want nothing to do with a day that has come to celebrate something so blatantly wicked.

Here's the good news. God wins in the end. Jesus comes back in absolute victory. Satan and death are vanquished once and for all. A new heaven and a new earth are ushered in and an eternity of perfection comes into existence. I'm just going to post the same verse I did last year because it's so powerful. Revelation 19:11-16
Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is calledFaithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Experience

Posted: Sunday, October 23, 2011 by Morgan in
3

So I was in church this morning listening to a sermon on Malachi 2 and 3. At this time, the Israelites had just come fresh out of Babylonian captivity a generation or two before and had just finished rebuilding the temple. Even after all this stuff that God did for them, the Israelites were questioning God's goodness, love, faithfulness, and trustworthiness. Why would they question the God who saved them out of captivity not just once, but twice: once in Babylon in the recent past and once in Egypt many generations ago? Why would they question the God who was faithful to give them an entire country that He promised to give to their forefathers? Why would they question a God who overthrew their enemies over and over again even though the Israelites were vastly outnumbered and fighting against superior weapons and armies?


That doesn't make sense.

Unless...

...the Israelites were basing their theology on their present experiences rather than on God's truth and His perfect track record.

But that's stupid too, right? Well, yes. Until it's you who is basing your theology on your present experiences rather than God's truth and the things He has worked out in your life in the past. I've been there, and it's a hard place to be. It's also difficult since there seems to be a focus on experiential spirituality at George Fox. People do experience things that are in line with God's word, that are in line with truth. It becomes concerning when those things aren't happening to you.

What is the difference between experience and truth? What do you hold on to if what's happening do you right now doesn't match up with the truth that you know?

Part of the answer to my original question is a fundamental difference between the nature of God and man.

People change, God doesn't.

We make promises, and even if we do actually intend to keep them, we often forget about them or the keeping of these promises is outside our control. Our character is in a constant state of development. We are constantly being sanctified. Some days are better than others in the areas of patience, anger, lust, encouragement, stewardship, and the like.

God makes promises and He keeps them. Always. God's character and attributes are, have always been, and always will be absolutely perfect.

Another part of the answer lies in the way you answer a couple other questions.

1. Do you trust Him?

My mom asks me this question ALL THE TIME. And almost every time she asks me the answer is no. It's no even if I say it's yes. If the answer was yes, verses like Romans 8:28 would incredibly helpful and reassuring. It's a verse that gets thrown around out of context quite a lot, but when you fit it into the rest of Romans 8, it's one of those truths that is incredibly powerful if you believe it. We just can't see the whole picture sometimes. But that's why faith is so important.

2. How powerful is God?

If you believe in a God who can't work out good through evil or produce growth out of suffering, how will you ever be satisfied with life? Shit happens, but none of it surprises God. My mom often tells me that God is too loving to waste pain. He does whatever He wants, and fortunately for us, what He wants is the best possible reality. We just can't see the whole picture. But that's why faith is so important.

That last part is hard to swallow because we live in the physical realm, not the spiritual. God doesn't care so much about our happiness or our physical comfort as he does about our souls. He cares about that part of us so much that He made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that our souls could exist in the best possible reality. I don't mean to devalue the physical aspect of our existence because I believe they are important; I just want to emphasize the other part. Neither our earthly bodies nor our earthly stuff are going with us after we die, but our souls are. We will live in a new heaven and a new earth with new bodies to experience it all.

So bring it back.

I think the ultimate answer to my question is to wait.

The imperative to wait shows up all over in the Bible. Noah waited for the rain to come, Abraham waited for his son Isaac to be born, Jacob waited 14 years to marry Rachel, Moses waited for 40 years in the desert, David waited to become king of Israel, the Israelites waited for the coming of Jesus, the disciples waited for 3 days after Jesus was crucified, Paul waited in prison, and we wait for Christ's second coming.

There is a sermon by Alistair Begg that takes a very in-depth look at the concept of waiting in faith, specifically as it applies to Abraham.

Wait, and sooner or later your experience will match up with truth. You will look back on the times that the two seemed to be very mismatched and see that it was just a step along the road. You will see that God's planning and timing are perfect, and that He never changes. Not one bit.

"But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer." Psalm 38:15

Belief and Action

Posted: Saturday, October 15, 2011 by Morgan in
1

I never listen to the radio. Ever. Not even Pandora. But on my drive back to school today I listened to some news channel that was doing a rerun of an interview with a PETA representative from a few years back. The debate was on vegetarianism of course, and the debaters relied on basically one argument each, with limited nuance.


The foundation of the PETA rep's argument was that since animals have the same capacity for pain as humans, they should have the same rights as humans. He even went so far as to involve words like "social contract" with a generally correct understanding of what they meant. Too bad he applied this concept to things that are not bound to any social contract... The foundation of the talk show host's argument was that meat tastes good, therefore I'm going to eat it. The discussion went everywhere: health benefits, dishonest business practices, animal and human physiology, survival of the fittest/natural order, social contracts, etc. I didn't catch the whole thing, but I thought the discussion was interesting.

Conclusion: I generally agreed with the PETA rep's arguments based on the stark reality of health benefits that come with a vegetarian diet (although I think his reasoning behind the whole animal cruelty issue is a bit... ridiculous), but I'm probably going to do what the talk show host said he was going to do. Because steak tastes good.

Here's the thing: animal rights and vegetarianism isn't the point here. This discussion reminded me of a debate I had with a friend a few years back about pacifism (which isn't even the point either!). There were a lot of good biblical arguments and rebuttals on both sides, both valid and correct, but in the end neither of our minds were changed. I was challenged by the debate, and it was an interesting exercise to think about the philosophical and religious implications and the responses of the military and government vs the individual to pacifism.

After all was said and done, if someone tried to kill/abduct/rape any of my friends, I would do my level best to put them in the hospital for a long time. That's just what I would do. None of the biblical imperatives for pacifism nor different arguments for original sin, nor the government's duty to punish wrongdoers would be going through my head in the heat of the moment. My thought process would be more like this:

That's my sister.

How dare you.

Swearing.

Break knee.

Kick head or other vulnerable area.

Repeat if necessary.

Grab sister.

Run.

Here's the point, hopefully illustrated by the above thought process. It doesn't matter what people argue for, it doesn't matter what they say they believe, it doesn't matter which side has the most compelling arguments. In the end all that matters is what we do with those beliefs. Beliefs are all well and good, but actions are what really matter. James says something along those lines in the Bible:

"So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."

You can read the rest in James 2.

So I would encourage you to think about some things you say you believe (it doesn't have to be some controversial social issue like abortion or pacifism or even faith, it can be about homework or friendships or keeping your room clean) and then think about your past or present actions based on those beliefs. How do they match up? If they don't, why not? What needs to change?

I know I'm gonna be doing a lot of thinking.

"But someone will say, 'You have faith and I have works.' Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works." James 2:18

Audience

Posted: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 by Morgan in
1

I realized earlier this week as I was working that there are a lot of things I want to improve about myself. I let that thought fester in my mind for a few days and it led me through some very deep and dark places. Don't worry though, there's a happy ending.

I've been traveling along the road of self-improvement for a long time. It's sort of how I operate: I do my best to learn from other people's experiences and mistakes so that I don't have to learn those lessons the hard way. Sometimes that isn't always possible and experience becomes the best and most fearsome teacher of all. Much of my desire for self-improvement stems from the high amount of importance I place on morality, which comes from my upbringing in the churches I have attended. For many years I believed in a salvation that was very much works-based, even if I fooled myself and others into thinking that I didn't. It's still hard to get away from that incorrect belief because it's hard for me to see true salvation by grace. Part of that is my failure to preach the gospel to myself daily, as I have been encouraged to do by my mentors, and another part is my simple lack of faith. But I know this:

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

-Hebrews 11:1

I need to cling to that verse and to Christ every day. It must be a conscious decision to do so and it takes a lot of discipline. It takes more discipline than I have.

Which brings me to the next stop on my train of thought: that I can't change myself. I find myself unable to wrench my desires and affections away from their current objects and redirect them to the right places. I can't simply *snap* have faith. I can't simply *snap* want to read my Bible. I can't simply *snap* desire to pray more. To make matters worse, there were times where I have been able to do those things, at least temporarily. But then it all goes back to the way it was. Back to the same old sinner, the same old faithless Christian, the same old unfocused kid floating through life, unable or unwilling to muster up the self-control and self-discipline to change and work toward a stronger faith, a better witness, a person who loves others.

I've been told by some that I just need to be patient. Just trust in God's perfect timing. But I feel like time is running out for me. I feel like I'm far behind where I need to be as a Christian, as a leader, as a man, as a son and a friend and a brother. God hasn't seemed to be changing me or really doing any work at all even though I've been praying for the things that He wants for me. Maybe I'm praying those things for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, my thought process led me to a sobering and terrifying place. I suddenly felt like I was less of a person than I was two years ago. I'm in the place in life where I am defining myself and my personality. I've been so focused on school and life and the future and what people think of me that I've begun to suffocate my personality because I don't think people will like it. I am so caught up in being guarded and hardworking and responsible that I'm not myself anymore. I used to have adventures and climb buildings and make scavenger hunts and watch the stars and play ping pong, and now it feels like I just do school. I'm trying so hard to become better and more attractive that I'm suppressing a lot of who I really am because I'm afraid people will think it's stupid and immature.

I spent a lot of time in that place. And it actually wasn't until much later that I realized that that entire thought process was stupid and immature.

Don't you get it, Morgan?! What other people think of you doesn't matter!

YOU HAVE AN AUDIENCE OF ONE.

God, who created the entire universe, made the ultimate sacrifice for me, and gave me my entire life and skills and desires and abilities is watching to see what I will do with His incredible gifts, and I'm focused on what other people think of the gifts God has given me. Who cares what they think as long as I'm glorifying and worshipping God with my whole life?

My focus was wrong. I was becoming like the church in Rome that Paul wrote about in Romans 1:21:
For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

I don't want to be there anymore. I don't want to be futile in my thinking. I don't want to be so self-focused and so selfishly focused on others. I want to take JOY in living. So I'm going to get up tomorrow morning, thank God for the incredible blessings He has given me, ask myself who my audience is, and live accordingly.

"My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:11-12

Role

Posted: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 by Morgan in
0

After almost a full year hiatus, I'm back. Sharing my thoughts with you.


Anyway, over the past year I've discovered a lot of things about myself. Some of these things are important, some are trivial. For example: I discovered that if there are video games available to me, I will play them. Period. I also discovered that if this happens, my focus and productivity go out the window. My final discovery in this progression is that if I set up certain boundaries around things like that, I'll generally follow them. So I haven't played video games by myself in months.

Trivial example. Now on to a more recent and more important one. And there just may be more to come.

Through a lot of thinking, experiencing, reading, talking, and asking questions over this past year, I've discovered that I want to be a protector and provider, no matter what situation I'm in. For example, I work as a security guard at school, I am doing my best to pay for college so that I can support a family after graduation, I took 10 years of martial arts training, I learned how to cook. At the time, all of these things seemed coincidental or unimportant, but looking back I can now see that God has been driving me in a certain direction and instilling me with a certain personality and desire to follow in that direction.

One reason I know for sure that these desires are genuine is that I actually find joy when I'm able to be a protector and provider, even if they aren't appreciated or recognized. And I think I find the most joy in being these things when the appreciation and recognition are present but kept very quiet, expressed only by a knowing glance or a thankful spirit. I even find joy in these things when it's difficult or costly for me; where I am sacrificing in order to provide or when I protect someone or their interests and am criticized or belittled by them later. I keep trying to protect and provide because it's in my DNA. It's my role as a man, a future father and husband, a Christian.

Through one little self-revelation at a time, we get to know ourselves better and better. And the better we know ourselves, the more easily we see our strengths and shortcomings, the better we can manipulate our personality and allow it to be manipulated by others, the easier it becomes for us to allow God to change us to become like Christ. And that's the whole point. As C.S. Lewis says, "Every Christian is to become a little Christ. The whole point of becoming a Christian is simply nothing else."

"For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son..." Romans 8:29

GFU Chapel...Again

Posted: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 by Morgan in
0

This is a post I never finished last year. It's about one of my most frustrating moments at George Fox. I haven't gone to chapel at all this year since I am not required to do so as a senior. It has been fantastic.

"The angriest I have ever been in my entire life was at approximately 10:50 am on Monday, February 7th 2011. I had just walked out of GFU chapel during Theology of the Land Week. When I entered chapel, I was met with a native american theologian who was beating a tribal drum and chanting on the stage. At this point I was very skeptical and did not expect very much from this chapel service, but I had no idea what was coming. After the chanting was finished, a GFU professor came up and gave a prelude for an ancient Iroquois prayer of thanks. This prayer began with a pantheistic inclination with the refrain "Now our minds are one." Then it expressed thanksgiving to Mother Earth, and at that point I had enough.

As many of you may know, I've had concerns about chapel in the past, but this was the last straw for me. I was appalled at what was happening in that auditorium. I left, literally shaking with rage. I barely knew what to do with myself. "How can a Christian university present such blatantly paganistic material in chapel?" I thought. "And how can it present it without explaining that it is NOT within the realm of christianity?" Though I did not stay for the rest of the chapel service, I did watch the podcast, which confirmed my fears about the theological solidity of the speakers. Instead of standing on a position that is clearly delineated in the bible, the speakers came in with a prefabricated idea and used out of context scripture to back it up. That makes me angry. Their use of Psalms and other wisdom books to personify nature and give the moon and stars and animals literal voices was at best poor exegesis and at worst downright manipulation of the very Word of God. That makes me angry, but it also makes God angry, which is far worse. Equating the creation with the creator is idolatry.

I sat at a table in the quad, furious, not knowing what to do. I began to write stuff down, but I was so angry and my hand was shaking so badly that I couldn't write anything. I finally went to the president's office to talk with him about what was happening in chapel, but he wasn't in, so I scheduled a meeting with the director of Student Life for Wednesday.

My roommate and I went to the talkback session later that night, which is a panel discussion with the speakers from chapel. Many people were in complete agreement with the speakers, enamored with new ways of experiencing God. I straight up asked them if our relationship to the creation or the creator was more important. And they avoided my question, calling it a false dichotomy. Saying that we can't really separate the two. That avoidance of my question was very revealing because I would argue that one should not hesitate for an instant in the answer to that question, and that the answer should be that our relationship to the creator is far more important than our relationship to creation. The GFU professor turned my question back onto me, saying "Well it says in the New Testament that we are to love God and love our neighbor, but would you say that one is more important than the other?" Unfortunately, he didn't let me answer, but I would have said that loving God is more important without hesitation. We can love our neighbors (and creation) without loving God, but if we love God first, our love of our neighbor (and creation) flows from that, not the other way around.

Fast-forward to Wednesday morning. A group of 15-20 students had come to join me in the meeting with the director of student life, who was sympathetic to our position. He said that he would not defend anything said or done in chapel on Monday, so we discussed our concerns with chapel in general. Many, if not all of us present, saw that chapel was without spiritual substance, full of bad teaching, and presented as a method of spiritual guidance.

The director of student life was willing to listen and appreciated the way we went about addressing this issue. We presented some alternatives to chapel, including differentiating between a chapel and an assembly, which would simply be a gathering of the student body that is not primarily spiritual in nature, and providing other venues for spiritual growth such as smaller bible studies led by those trained in the scriptures.

There was talk of how George Fox had to be sensitive to people of many different denominations, levels of spiritual maturity, and styles of worship. Chapel was not, therefore, the time or place to provide spiritual meat, but rather it was a better place for spiritual milk. But if the milk is sour, it's not doing young christians any good. If the spiritual milk that is being provided is confusing to older believers, what is it going to do for new Christians? The one thing every true Christian has in common, no matter what denomination they come from, is the gospel message. The gospel is not being preached in chapel. Scripture is barely being preached in chapel."